So, I've decided to start a career as a lab rat for the University of Oregon's Science Department. Seems as though they are the only people who will hire me in this f-ing town! I have to admit it though, it is pretty fun. Has anyone else had the pleasure of getting an ultrasound (with that lube stuff) preformed on your upper groin by a hot chick in a nurses uniform? When she was hooking me up to an I.V., she told me that I might feel a little prick. Well, I looked over at her jackass lab assistant (You know who you are, A.Y.), and said, "Really? I can only see one." From that point on, my male dominance had been established and AY walked out of the room more distruaght than the time Dubya watched Toby Keith come out of the closet and announce that he was indeed a Ford truck man. Seriously though, all I had to do was ride a stationary bicycle for one hour with a little encouragement from Peter Griffin and his family. No, they didn't let me watch it. It was on in here (pointing to my heart) and here (pointing to my brain)...You see, that's the beautiful thing about Family Guy. Inside those walls, they can take away everything....But not Family Guy. (Shawshank, in case you're confused...Maybe it's because you're Irish.)

Let's see, who else do I want to rant about? Jason Boness, you're the next contestant! Come on down!!!! Sorry Jason, but my blog is like a Christmas cookie made by some retarded kid. You don't want to eat it, but you have to in order to make the little whirlin' dervish (See Brimley quote below) feel happy about himself. So anyway, here it goes...What's the deal with your Dave Matthews obsession? He sounds like a hobo with his balls in a vice grip. His little rhythm guitar riffs are in more places at once than a gay gym teacher's eye's at shower time. And why does everyone think he's so poetic? Just because nothing he sings about makes any sense whatsoever, doesn't make him a poet!!!! Take "Crush" for example....from what I gather, he smokes pot and drinks, feels high....then he doesn't know if he's right side up or upside down, all he knows is that he's dancing on the ground. Then, he goes on about how he really likes some chick (actually, he never specifies gender...hmmm). Now how does all that sh*t tie in together? I swear, the dude just makes up words as he plays, and people think it's beautiful because everything he sings and plays is so complex, when in reality, he's just some dumbass liberal pothead who writes lines like, "I was there, when the bear, ate his hair and thought it was a candy". What???? So anyway, Jason....If you're gonna play Dave Matthews, it's gonna have to stay at least 50 feet away from me! That goes for you too, Jimmy, but I've always questioned your sexuality...

PS: A southside is an amazing drink....Rum, lemonade, lime wedge and mint leaves. It's addictive, like heterosexuality.....Turn off Dave, and try it sometime, Ryan and Jason!