WOO HOO! FAN MAIL!

Dear Alex,

I wrote but you still ain't callin...I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom. I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not-a got 'em. There probably was a problem at the post office or somethin. Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot 'em. But anyways; fuck it, what's been up? Man how's your daughter? My girlfriend's pregnant too, I'm bout to be a father. If I have a daughter, guess what I'ma call her? I'ma name her Bonnie. I read about your Uncle Roger too I'm sorry. I had a friend kill himself over some bitch who didn't want him. I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan, I even got the underground shit that you did in La Grande. I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man---I like the shit you wrote about "Poon-Tang" too, that shit was fat, Anyways, I hope you get this man.

Hit me back, just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan,

-This is Stan

Dear Alex,

you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance. I ain't mad - I just think it's FUCKED UP you don't answer fans! If you didn't wanna talk to me outside your tavern you didn't have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Matthew. That's my little brother man, he's only six years old. We waited in the blistering cold for you, four hours and you just said, "No." That's pretty shitty man - you're like his fuckin idol. He wants to be just like you man, he likes you more than I do. I ain't that mad though, I just don't like bein lied to. Remember when we met in Taylor's? - you said if I'd write youyou would write back - see I'm just like you in a way I never knew my father neither; he used to always cheat on my mom and beat her. I can relate to what you're saying in your blogs so when I have a shitty day, I drift away and put 'em on cause I don't really got shit else, so that shit helps when I'm depressed. I even got a tattoo of your name across the chest. Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds. It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me. See everything you say is real, and I respect you cause you tell it. My girlfriend's jealous cause I talk about you 24/7, But she don't know you like I know you Alex, no one does. She don't know what it was like for people like us growin up. You gotta call me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose.

Sincerely yours,

Stan

-- P.S.We should be together too

Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans,

this'll be the last package I ever send your ass. It's been six months and still no word - I don't deserve it? I know you got my last two letters; I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect. So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it. I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 90 on the freeway. Hey Alex, I drank a fifth of vodka, you dare me to drive? You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night" about that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drowning but didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a a show he found him? That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from drowning. Now it's too late - I'm on a 1000 downers now, I'm drowsy and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call. I hope you know I ripped ALL of your pictures off the wall! I love you Alex, we coulda been together, think about it, You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it, And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it!!! I hope your conscience EATS AT YOU and you can't BREATHE without me! See Alex; [*screaming*] Shut up bitch! I'm tryin to talk! Hey Alex, that's my girlfriend screamin in the trunk, but I didn't slit her throat, I just tied her up, see I ain't like you, cause if she suffocates she'll suffer more, and then she'll die too! Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now....Oh shit, I forgot, how'm I supposed to send this shit out? [*car tires squeal*] [*CRASH*].. [*brief silence*] .. [*LOUD splash*]