Merry Christmas, everyone! To begin the annual celebration, I'd just like to write down a few reason's for why I'll be getting coal in my stocking this year.
1. Pissing on an aborted fetus.
2. Drinking out of an above ground pool filled with 90 year old woman discharge.
3. Touching myself to the teletubbies.
4. Drunk dialing Jesus. (His area code is 666! Is that ironic or what?!)
5. Slapping my grandma. (Her cooking is that good)
6. Yelling to a funeral procession that I just inherited $1 million.
7. Accidentally elbowing Rick Moranis in the balls during a pick-up game of hoops.
8. Inappropriately applying for the missionary position at my local church.
9. Beating the sh*t out of my guardian angel for messing with the thermostat.
10. Getting arrested for disorderly conduct and indecent exposure after getting caught beating a dead horse with croquet mallet in front of school children.
11. Telling Mrs. Claus it was egg nog.
12. Getting high on life. My tolerance is outta control now. I hafta do life 3-4 times a day just to feel a buzz.
13. Jesus got all pissed off at me cuz I was spreading a rumor that his middle name was Harold. You know-----Jesus H. Christ, Hark the Herald Angels Sing...Makes sense, doesn't it?
14. Starting this blog
Well, there you have it--12 days of Christmas and 14 sins. Not too shabby! However, in my opinion, these are all just normal and healthy simple guilty pleasures. Plus I did it with a dead guy.
I'd like to conclude this Christmas blog with a little story that puts the holiday season in perspective for all of us. This story is about little Johnny. Little Johnny is a very sweet little boy who lives in the ghetto with two very loving parents who work like Mexicans to put food on the table and so they can afford testicle cream for little Johnny. It was the 18th of December and little Johnny wanted nothing more than his very own dog for Christmas. Well, little Johnny strolled right up to his adoring mother and gave her his request. She knelt down to little Johnny with sympathetic eyes and explained to him that money was tight among them, and that getting a dog just wasn't possible for them until they could make more money. However, she went on to tell Little Johnny that if he wished and hoped and prayed to God and Jesus and Santa really really hard, then just maybe his dream of getting a dog would come true. So every waking hour from that day until Christmas morning, he wished and prayed for a dog just as hard as a little boy could. Well, when Little Johnny awoke on Christmas morning, the most miraculous and amazing event had occurred!
Little Johnny's dad went blind so they had to get a dog.
THE END
1. Pissing on an aborted fetus.
2. Drinking out of an above ground pool filled with 90 year old woman discharge.
3. Touching myself to the teletubbies.
4. Drunk dialing Jesus. (His area code is 666! Is that ironic or what?!)
5. Slapping my grandma. (Her cooking is that good)
6. Yelling to a funeral procession that I just inherited $1 million.
7. Accidentally elbowing Rick Moranis in the balls during a pick-up game of hoops.
8. Inappropriately applying for the missionary position at my local church.
9. Beating the sh*t out of my guardian angel for messing with the thermostat.
10. Getting arrested for disorderly conduct and indecent exposure after getting caught beating a dead horse with croquet mallet in front of school children.
11. Telling Mrs. Claus it was egg nog.
12. Getting high on life. My tolerance is outta control now. I hafta do life 3-4 times a day just to feel a buzz.
13. Jesus got all pissed off at me cuz I was spreading a rumor that his middle name was Harold. You know-----Jesus H. Christ, Hark the Herald Angels Sing...Makes sense, doesn't it?
14. Starting this blog
Well, there you have it--12 days of Christmas and 14 sins. Not too shabby! However, in my opinion, these are all just normal and healthy simple guilty pleasures. Plus I did it with a dead guy.
I'd like to conclude this Christmas blog with a little story that puts the holiday season in perspective for all of us. This story is about little Johnny. Little Johnny is a very sweet little boy who lives in the ghetto with two very loving parents who work like Mexicans to put food on the table and so they can afford testicle cream for little Johnny. It was the 18th of December and little Johnny wanted nothing more than his very own dog for Christmas. Well, little Johnny strolled right up to his adoring mother and gave her his request. She knelt down to little Johnny with sympathetic eyes and explained to him that money was tight among them, and that getting a dog just wasn't possible for them until they could make more money. However, she went on to tell Little Johnny that if he wished and hoped and prayed to God and Jesus and Santa really really hard, then just maybe his dream of getting a dog would come true. So every waking hour from that day until Christmas morning, he wished and prayed for a dog just as hard as a little boy could. Well, when Little Johnny awoke on Christmas morning, the most miraculous and amazing event had occurred!
Little Johnny's dad went blind so they had to get a dog.
THE END
posted by Alex at 4:05 PM
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