BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN: A TRUE STORY


"Jesusth Christh!!!"

So what's the deal with this "Brokeback Mountain" controversey? Everyone seems to be so hyped up on gay cowboys pitching tents in the wilderness and sitting on fence posts eating vanilla pudding. I, for one, do not see this as something disgraceful at all. I know what you're all thinking..."But, Alex, I've heard you refer to homosexuals as fudge-packers, pillow-biters, and Voge's!" Well, that all may or may not be true, but I have since found a new respect for those who stopped doing it in parking garages and rest stops along the highway and have branched their gay tendancies into the wilderness. In fact, I happen to know a couple of guys who have done this for the past few years, so if you make fun of "Brokeback Mountain", you are also making fun of my two friends Mr. Nickers and Cowboy Jimmy shown here.


*Grrr...Come here, cowboy...*


*Hi, I'm Jimmy*

I am glad they found each other. I know that Jimmy can't replace Phatty, Mr. Nicker's ex "fishin' buddy", but he's got that juicy booty that Mr. Nickers craves so much. Why can't everyone just learn to let them express their love for each other and not make fun of them when they come home from their excursions with foam donuts to sit on for the next few days. I'm sorry if I sound upset about this, but let's make one thing perfectly clear: You will hear the moans and cries of their love for one another echo throughout the canyons of Oregon's vast wilderness.

Their story of sexual survival should be celebrated without the guffaws of constant mockery of their impurities by those who don't know their heroic journey through an affair that will last a lifetime. So go ahead, call the lovers who were portrayed in "Brokeback Mountain" things such as butt pirates, bone smugglers, donut punchers, poofters, rump rangers, shirt-flap-lifters or even fans of Judy Garland. But if you do, you will not only be saying it to them, but to Mr. Nickers and Cowboy Jimmy as well.