Ummmm, hey...How have you been? What's new?
God, writing this is a little awkward. You (my audience) are kind of like that girl I saw for about a year, then for no apparent reason (Except for the cold sweats that awaken me at 3Am every morning with a demonic presence sitting at the foot of my bed telling me that he's the reason I never made it as a professional golfer, denouncing God every evening before supper, constantly vomitting, and continually explaining to the authorities that when I'm touching myself naked in front of my living room window and weeping, it's nothing more than an artistic expression), I stop returning your calls and just fall off the face of the Earth, breaking your heart. But then, out of nowhere, just when you think you've finally gotten over me, I get blackout drunk and call you out of the blue hoping for a second chance. Well, I guess I'm back, so let me give you all a quick update about me, and why I want to spew my creative juices all over you again.
I guess things all went downhill when I moved to the East Coast for the summer to basically sit on the beach all day and get paid for it. The money was great, but what do you think I spent it on? That's right---My coke and whore lifestyle...So after I went broke, I contacted the temp agency for more work...And where did they send me? A chemical dependency treatment center, aka, Serenity Lane. Ohhhh, this was a bad idea from the start. My boss was a 40-something ex-patient who used to be addicted to meth and was falling off the wagon faster than Meriwether Lewis' semi-retarded cousin before being mauled to death by a herd of buffalo on the Oregon Trail. Let's see, she also lied about being a mob informant for the CIA, called in sick on a regular basis with the most ridiculous excuses I've ever heard, her boyfriend left a message with me that he was breaking up with her, she took patient's personal files home with her, and yes, she still works there! The dude who trained me is another story all together. He only talked about video games and his time spent in juvenille detention as a teen. Then there was another lady who worked upstairs alone---for a reason. She was ugly as sin and a compulsive liar. Basically, she was just starved for attention and would say anything to raise an eyebrow. This obese woman actually said she used to beat Prefontaine in the 3K during her high school days at Coos Bay. She would have been an Olympian, but yep, you guessed it---bum hip.
So now, I'm back at home sitting on my unemployed ass making a career out of my fantasy football success with nothing else to talk about except the negatives. So do you want to give me another shot?
God, writing this is a little awkward. You (my audience) are kind of like that girl I saw for about a year, then for no apparent reason (Except for the cold sweats that awaken me at 3Am every morning with a demonic presence sitting at the foot of my bed telling me that he's the reason I never made it as a professional golfer, denouncing God every evening before supper, constantly vomitting, and continually explaining to the authorities that when I'm touching myself naked in front of my living room window and weeping, it's nothing more than an artistic expression), I stop returning your calls and just fall off the face of the Earth, breaking your heart. But then, out of nowhere, just when you think you've finally gotten over me, I get blackout drunk and call you out of the blue hoping for a second chance. Well, I guess I'm back, so let me give you all a quick update about me, and why I want to spew my creative juices all over you again.
I guess things all went downhill when I moved to the East Coast for the summer to basically sit on the beach all day and get paid for it. The money was great, but what do you think I spent it on? That's right---My coke and whore lifestyle...So after I went broke, I contacted the temp agency for more work...And where did they send me? A chemical dependency treatment center, aka, Serenity Lane. Ohhhh, this was a bad idea from the start. My boss was a 40-something ex-patient who used to be addicted to meth and was falling off the wagon faster than Meriwether Lewis' semi-retarded cousin before being mauled to death by a herd of buffalo on the Oregon Trail. Let's see, she also lied about being a mob informant for the CIA, called in sick on a regular basis with the most ridiculous excuses I've ever heard, her boyfriend left a message with me that he was breaking up with her, she took patient's personal files home with her, and yes, she still works there! The dude who trained me is another story all together. He only talked about video games and his time spent in juvenille detention as a teen. Then there was another lady who worked upstairs alone---for a reason. She was ugly as sin and a compulsive liar. Basically, she was just starved for attention and would say anything to raise an eyebrow. This obese woman actually said she used to beat Prefontaine in the 3K during her high school days at Coos Bay. She would have been an Olympian, but yep, you guessed it---bum hip.
So now, I'm back at home sitting on my unemployed ass making a career out of my fantasy football success with nothing else to talk about except the negatives. So do you want to give me another shot?
posted by Alex at 4:18 PM
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